I was telling the girls (Leela, my younger daughter is 11) about the refugee crisis in Europe, and how the image of the 3-year old little Syrian boy, Aylan Kurdi, who drowned while the boat his family was escaping on capsized, moved hearts in a way that shifted inaction, not just of governments, but of everyday people as well. The girls asked what image… So I pulled it up, warning them it was difficult to see. Tara hesitated a moment before looking, anticipating that perhaps indeed this was something she didn’t want to see. But, I watched as she looked with determination.

The girls looked and immediately, they both burst into tears. They reacted differently. Tara sobbed, and just kept repeating, “but he’s just a baby. He’s just a little boy.” Leela, my more introverted daughter, just sat quietly, tears streaming down her face. As I held them both, I let them cry, letting my tears flow freely, and wondering had I done the right thing. We took our time to feel the pain, and I told them it was ok to embrace the injustice and sadness and grief that the image brought up in their hearts and minds.

In a Facebook thread that I posted yesterday asking people if they had resources on how to talk about institutional racism in the US in a 5^th grade/Middle School context, one of my best friends, Dr. Sayantani Dasgupta, whom I regularly turn to for parenting advice commented:

Vis a vis educating on Ferguson, etc. I try to talk to them about what’s going on as it happens – as I know you do too. But I also try not to inundate them with media images. For instance, I talked to them about Ahmed Mohammed yesterday without really showing them any news reports and K had a dream that he was being arrested last night… Completely understandable of course but there’s also something like image/media overload… In the end, I guess I try to focus on things that both show racial injustice but not just victimhood – I try and show them moments of agency, strength, community — which then makes the oppression feel like something that they too can participate in conquering as opposed to something paralyzing…

I truly didn’t sleep last night thinking had I shown too much to my girls? Would they have nightmares? Would they not be able to relinquish the image of an innocent child suffering from the realities of war?

(As a side note, post talking about Syria, I showed them the video of Ahmed Mohammed, the boy who was arrested for taking a clock to school that his teacher thought was a bomb. In the video, he sweetly talks about his desire to go to MIT, asserting, “Don’t let people change who you are.” This was an incredibly positive note for us to end on, as he is so charming in the video!)

Ahmed Mohamed Reveals Hopes To Go To MIT One Day“Don’t let people change who you are”—student inventor arrested for homemade clock

Posted by NowThis on Wednesday, September 16, 2015

The latest social media share is the Lady Gaga video “Til It Happens to You.” I know Tara, who is on social media, will probably see it, so I’m going to talk to her about it. Its happened before that she’s watched things even before I bring them up, but my parenting approach has to always try to talk sooner vs than later. I’d rather she hear things from me, process the fear and emotions it brings up together than have her struggle alone to come to terms with what rape and the idea of “T’il It Happens To You” actually means. On the other hand, I feel Leela is too young still – she is not on social media or online much, and there is no need to expose her to the ideas, or actual video, just yet.

Warning: this video contains graphic images and mature content.
Please view and share wisely.

As I process my kid’s reactions last night, I don’t regret showing them the photo of little Aylan. At 13 and 11, my kids who live in a safe, privileged environment, and I believe that empathy is a first step to taking action. My intent is not to shelter them from the suffering of this world, but to appropriately teach them that they can change it, and it starts from feeling deeply.

So, here is my question, what images do you show your kids? How do you decide what’s appropriate or when? What world news do you share with them, or do you chose to shield them as long as possible?

My parents tell a story about a debate around my birth.

They were newly married and had moved to the US for my father’s medical training. They had arrived in this country with $8, but through hard work and determination were building a life together. They believed in the American dream.

The fact was that it was expensive to deliver me in the US, and it would be less expensive for my mother to fly back to India and have me there, surrounded by her parents and in-laws. My grandparents could then buy the ticket for her to return here with me.

But here was the problem.

If I was born in the United States, I could run for President.

And my parents didn’t want to take that away from me. My parents truly, in their heart and soul, believed in the American dream – that all men and women were created equal, no matter what race or religion they came from, and that the United States was the land of opportunity. That we all have the opportunity to lead and do something great for this nation. It didn’t matter that I was a girl, that I had dark skin, that we were Hindus. My parents, with that belief, worked hard to be part of that American dream.

My parents were so consumed by taking away this opportunity from me that they debated for weeks and consulted friends. In the end, they just didn’t have the money to have me here so my mother returned to India.

That Dr. Ben Carson, a black man who is running for President, has said a Muslim should not be President of the United States just killed the American dream for many children and their parents in this country and the illusion that America stands for something greater – equality and dignity for all.

Words matter. I wish the likes of Donald Trump, Mike Huckabee and Ben Carson would realize that. Instead they stoke the fires of racism and intolerance, and the idea that in America there is a war on Christianity and Western civilization.  To claim whoever takes the White House should be “sworn in on a stack of Bibles, not the Koran” is killing the opportunity for this country to remain a great one, where every person believes in its calling.